Here we go again, time for FFF. Unlike last week, however, this time my heart was not really into doing this but I forced myself anyway because it might be good to reflect on some positive things. It has been another difficult week with most downs and very little ups. At the beginning of this writing, I couldn’t even think of five things, but continued with the writing anyway to hopefully make it to five. Here we go:
1. I spent an evening on Tuesday with my two girlfriends, Laura and Sheila, separately. It would have been nice to meet them both together, all three of us chatting, but because of time restrictions for the two ladies I could only meet one at a time. I had a wonderful time chatting with them. I saw Laura at the Autism Walk the week before, but the last time I saw Sheila was about a month ago and we had plenty to catch up. I had a lovely time. I know I can always count on some meaningful conversations with them, and I will miss them tremendously.
2. I have been avoiding alcohol for over a month now because I was afraid that alcohol would make me more depressed. These past several months have been difficult and I believe avoiding alcohol has helped me a little. I used to at least have a glass or two once a week whenever I spent time with Sheila on our Tuesday-night hang out time. We’d meet up on Tuesday nights to talk and have a drink or two, but because of financial restriction on my part, we had moved our meeting place from a bar/restaurant to a coffee shop and had tea instead. Well, on Tuesday this week, we made a last minute decision to go back to our favorite Tuesday hang out place where they have the $5 dollar martini special every Tuesday night. I had one martini and she had…two! And she’s smaller than me too. I wish I took a picture of her martinis because they didn’t look like a martini at all, more like a dessert: chocolate something martini with whipped cream about 2-3 inches tall in the middle. I felt full just looking at it. I had a Chicago cosmo. I know, it sounds boring compared to hers, but left me still feeling under-control afterward. I shared this here as one of my faves because it was not the drink that I enjoyed the most, but the moment. I am most thankful for having the time to spend with this special lady. There were times in the past when no more words were shared; just silence and tears. It was the companionship, the understanding, and the emotional bond that made those moments unforgettable. I will miss this one too.
3. My blog again. As always, I can escape into my blog and express myself away. Into my words I disappear…. My blog is my refuge.
4. My facebook friends. i say facebook friends because other than the two ladies I mentioned above, the rest of my friends live inside my laptop. I am thankful for having them. I am thankful for those who stick with me through these difficult times, who show interest that they want to be part of my life, who ask questions. You know who you are and I appreciate you. For those who have deleted me, rejected or ignored me for one reason or another, showed no interest, that’s okay too. I become stronger because of them. The next few months are crucial because I will find out who I can truly consider as true friends. If they still accept me and stick around even after finding out the decision I recently made, then I know I can rely on them for friendship and support. Oprah Winfrey says it best, “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” Let’s see who still wants to stick around when I have nothing left, none whatsoever. Empty, broke, broken, in pieces, maybe even bitter. For now, though, I am thankful for the ones who are still around. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don’t think I could survive this long without you all.
5. Shoot, I don’t know what else to put here. Oh, I guess I can say that I have the D-day. D is for departure. Ticket bought, just need to pack, throw/sell/give away some things, clean up stuff, buy some vitamins to bring home for parents, and calm my nerves in the mean time because I’m scared shit! (I mean, who in their right mind would want to start over at a new place, at another country, when nearing 40, all alone?). To say I’m scared is actually an understatement. I’m terrified to the point that sometimes I feel like I can’t move. “Am I crazy?” is the question that I’ve been asking myself over and over. To a certain degree I think I am, I must be.
Life sure is a journey. I understand it now. As hard and scary as it is for me to think about the future, I do look forward to a seeing a light of hope however dim the light may look from my point of view at this point. This is where I rely on my faith to help me gain strength to keep going.
P.S. I’d like to make a clarification here that I will be going back to my country, the place where I was born and raised. However, I’ve lived in the U.S. for over 20 years and slightly longer than the time I spent in Indonesia, my home country. In a way, it is like going to a new place, starting over fresh from ground zero, the part that frightens me. I do have about 90% of my family members there, and many of the facebook friends will hopefully become face-to-face friends. I just want to clarify it here after reading some comments from some of my readers. I am coming home, dear friends, which actually doesn’t sound that bad at all, but nonetheless terrifying for me.
