Resah


It’s been a while since I last put an entry, and it’s not because I don’t have anything to write. Instead, I actually have plenty to say. I’ve been in my head a lot lately, in my thoughts. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I finally have to put it down.

Have you ever been in a place with so many people around you and feeling so alone too at the same time? I was walking down the street in downtown Chicago today to a meeting, and it’s the Saturday before St. Patrick’s day, so there are a lot of people in the street. The St. Patrick’s day parade just ended, I guess. They also had this annual practice to celebrate St. Paddy day by changing the Chicago river water to green, and so the weekend attracts a lot of people/tourists to Chicago. Needless to say, the street was full of people. Maneuvering myself in a sea of green, obnoxious, drunk people is not what I would call easy. But yet, I also felt so alone. I felt lost, even though I knew where I was going.

So, why am I feeling this way, you would ask? Don’t know. Stress? Don’t know. In Bahasa Indonesia, I’d call this feeling….resah. Like I’m  not satisfied, as if I’m looking for something, but I’m not exactly sure what is it. It happens to come not at a good time too, when I need to concentrate in my school work. Can’t concentrate. Focus! I need to get out of my head! Get into action! And what’s with this unfinished sentences? Helllooouuu….

But I have to get myself together. There are just way too many tasks to do ahead of me. I have too many people that I am responsible to, including myself. I’m going to have to put myself into the “go” gear. Once I put it in place, I’m going. Go go go…

But, go where?

Is it normal to feel this way when you’re so close to the finish line?

This resah, unfortunately, continues. I wish I can feed it with something so it can stop following me. Stop following me! Ka’bulampek.

I want to go home. No, not the apartment. I mean home, my home sweet home, the place where I will always call home. I miss it so much. Just writing this thought right now already making me want to cry, except that I can’t because then all of these people around me will think I need to be hospitalized. I miss it so much that it hurts. I’ve been away for too long, I realize. Does anybody else ever share my feeling too?

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One thought on “Resah

  1. i sooooo understand what you mean. that’s exactly how i’ve been feeling for months or even years now. i haven’t done anything to fix it because it’s easier to do nothing but i’m doing something now that hopefully will fix me.

    and you’re right, people can’t understand it because apparently, on the outside, i have a good life. but in the inside i know something is not right.

    i’d say go ahead and cry. i find a good cry always help a bit 🙂

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