An Unsent Letter


It’s hard to go anywhere today, May 8th, 2011, without being reminded of the one thing that I don’t have. Motherhood. It would have been no problem at all if I happen not to desire it. At first, I didn’t want to write this post, especially the main content of this post, but I read a very powerful and courageous blog post today, written by someone that I don’t even know. The author shared her story knowing that it is risky. It’s like sharing a part of your life that is so private, full of pain and struggle. The author’s message in sharing her story in that post, however, did not escape me. Her reason to speak out was in hoping that her story will touch others and inform those in similar situations that they are not alone. It is with that in mind, I decided to share this piece too. I’m not sure what it will accomplish. A part of me is feeling somewhat exposed and vulnerable, but another part of me is feeling strong.

I believe I have come a full circle in the matter of this content. It started years ago (in my 20s and early 30s) with me feeling no desire to have the role of motherhood, to feeling the desire in the past few years, and now I’m in the gentle process of letting it go knowing full well that my time has passed. It seems that it is not within my destiny to have my own flesh and blood, but it does not mean that life as it is ends there. I know my destiny and purpose in life remain somewhere else, with a different role, which I am currently in the process of pursuing. I am okay with this, with what I have and don’t have. I have come to accept it and move on. It’s just that on days like today, it feels a little bit heavy inside.

I am sharing this unsent letter below to my readers because I believe it is part of the process of letting go and moving on. I still mourn and wonder sometimes what it would be like if…, but that’s just it, it remains as a wondering, not a regret anymore. I’m not even sure if I still desire it anymore. I don’t think I do anymore, but it doesn’t mean that on certain days the wondering doesn’t sneak up on me and bring me grief as well. But my readers, if any of you share what I’m going through, this day will pass too. And you will move on, continue with life. Use that grief for something useful.

I wrote this letter below last year, when I started the process of dealing with it. Even after I wrote this letter, I still went through the ups of hoping that maybe I still could and then the downs of realizing I couldn’t. It was a confusing and stressful time, but I managed to pass through it too. I’ve kept this letter in my personal journal for a long time, read it once in a while, but kept it to myself. This is my first time sharing it to anyone. Please note that it is what it is. It’s a piece of writing, written when I was under a certain state of mind. Don’t ask me question about it now, please, because I don’t have any answer. I can only tell you that I am okay now. Let’s move on.

*****************************************************

Credit to Mollinda @ DeviantArt, titled Gone

♥  ♥  ♥

My dear unborn child,

Hi there, how are you?
You don’t know me,
and I wish you do.
We never met,
and I wish we have.
I also wish I could get to know you,
see your smile,
know your personality,
know what makes you laugh,
and what makes you sad or angry.

Can’t say I know how you fit
perfectly in my arms,
or the sound you make
when you’re hungry.
I mourn the time
we could have spent together.
I mourn the fact that
you couldn’t take your first breath
and that I’d be there next to you,
exhausted yet happy.

I regret never having the chance
to explain to you everything,
about why you’re not here.
It’s not something against you,
but it’s us.
It’s because of fear,
it’s because of selfishness,
it’s what the nature set for us,
and we took that path.

I hope you can forgive me,
forgive us.
I hope we can forgive ourselves,
and I hope I can forgive myself too.
I guess this is what life sets up
for all of us.

I know you will find your way
to this place we call life.
I’m just sorry I’m not part of it.
I wish you the best.
I hope life won’t be cruel to you
when it is time for you to join the earth.
Live, survive, my unborn child.
Forgive me.

******************************************************

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all of my readers who have been given a chance to carry this extremely important, difficult, challenging, and blessed role. Many blessings to you all from the bottom of my heart.

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