don’t know where to begin. missing, missing, missing a lot lately. missing people, missing things, missing routines, missing some abilities that i used to have. just missing a lot. feeling lost. there’s a hole in there.
noises outside, noises inside, mixed together, can’t even tell the difference any longer. tired of losing precious tears, not even sure exactly what they are for, really. just for the sake of wanting to cry, and wham!…out they come pouring. each day starts with the same question, wondering what will the day be like? and each day starts with thinking about the same face in my head.
sometimes doubt sneakes itself into my days. on other days, fear. once in a while i could actually feel happiness, content, peace, and gratefulness. i just wish they can come and visit me more often. whey they fail to show up, i pray, i pray, and i pray. it’s my other escape, next to the damn tears. i talk to my friends who live inside my laptop and cellphone with the help of my fingers. i listen to some boring music, and if they’re not boring in the beginning then eventually they fall into that category anyway in the end.
i am facing my biggest enemy, my demon, and i have to come out of this winning. i must. otherwise, the other option is not appealing whatsoever. my demon is called loneliness, and i can’t lose to this demon. it’s a struggle every single day. i must say i have been able to succeed because i’m still here, but it wasn’t without a fight.
and the rambling in my head continues…still waiting for exhaustion to arrive. it will, eventually. i know it will.