An Attempt on a Year-End Reflection
I started this post yesterday but couldn’t finish it. Actually, I couldn’t even start it. I tried at it again earlier today, stared and stared at the screen, and still nothing happened. The problem is, I don’t know what to write. Unlike my last post for the year 2010, which was a year-end reflection like what I intended to do, I am kind of stuck right now, mentally blocked on what to write.
The truth is, and probably why my mind couldn’t come up with any words of reflection, I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. Mentally exhausted. I’m tired of everything. There had been times throughout this year that I actually thought of giving up. Whatever that means, I’m not too sure myself because I don’t think I can actually do anything to harm myself. In clinical psychology there’s a name for that thought, but let’s not go there. Truthfully, if the world ends in December 2012, there’s a small part of me inside that may actually let out a relief sigh. I’m tired, fed up with everything. In Bahasa Indonesia, this feeling can be loosely translated to jenuh. Some Indonesians may translate jenuh back to English as feeling bored, but I think jenuh is more than bored. It’s closer to the feeling fed up than bored. Maybe that word jenuh can summarize my year. There, that’s my piece of reflection for this year.
I thought twice about writing my piece of mind in the paragraph above because I don’t want to alarm anyone, especially some close friends who may be reading (emphasis is on the word ‘may’). That’s why sometimes it’s easier to write poems than essays like this, because I can express myself more freely in poems. I can go into the dark side in poetry without maybe alarming anyone. But no poems tonight. I’m just feeling too tired tonight to create anything. Even if something comes out in writing, I’m afraid it may be too dark and it won’t be appropriate for the end of the year. I think people expect to read something more festive, cheerful and hopeful around this time.
But even with my mental exhaustion, I don’t want to forget to wish everyone a Happy New Year. My hope for all of you is that the new year will bring you wonderful things. My hope for me is that…. I don’t know what, really. I’m afraid to hope. Just one day at a time for me. There! That’s my second piece of reflection for 2011, that I’ve been going through the year one day at a time. It has been helpful and I plan to continue it. You all have a peaceful New Year’s celebration. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t cause havoc. Be nice to each other. I, on the other hand, for once I truly, truly, truly want a glass of wine. I haven’t had any wine, or alcohol in that matter, for months. I’d like to get drunk on a new year’s eve, but I also know very well that thought will just stay as a wishful thinking. Because it ain’t gonna happen due to many circumstances. *sigh* I’m tired.