Numb


as far as these eyes can see
all grays
gray sky, gray horizon,
gray haze hanging around me
they won’t leave
oh, I don’t know
this confusion has no ending
round and round in circle

like the wind
your state of mind changes every day
don’t know where you stand
two sides to every coin
is it also two sides to your heart?
oh, I don’t know anymore
feel like sticking this head into a freezer
to numb the pain
might as well stick a knife into this chest
end the heart beat now
it’s already bleeding to death anyway

I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know anymore
when I feel like crying nowadays
there’s no more tears left
or emotion
what’s left is
numb

is numb an emotion?

one day
will I ever know your true heart?
or will I go to my grave
never knowing the difference
between real and fantasy?
oh, I don’t know anymore
as confusion engulfs me
everything moves from gray to dark
from numb to empty

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Retreating


like a blanket of sea water awash on the shore
its hands reaching out to hold on to the sand
struggling, out of breath
as the minute passes
as the sun’s inching closer to the horizon
the wave is getting further inland
sweeping through rocks
frantically searching
like a lost soul looking for its body
it searches for one thing only

but it’s too late
nowhere can the object be found
the beach is empty
abandoned from its life for quite some time
so when the dawn comes
it bids goodbye to the dying land
and retreats back to where it came
a place cold, alone and secluded
yet harmless
deep in the ocean

A Departing Gift


Image credit to r3novatio @DeviantArt, titled Down the River

beneath the thatched roof
we stood in silence
watching the river flowing in front of us
i touched your hands
i whispered those words to you
words that i’ve said in my sleep
a thousand times
but your eyes
they’re like a hearth of stones
abandoned by its fire
not a flash of lightning
left in those eyes
i was forced to grope the empty wall
with my bare hands
inside the tunnel of fear
in the dark
confused and lost
to find my way out

you made your decision
to close the gate
long time ago
a bubbling of hope existed
now crushed
fluttering eyes
trying to hold back tears
you left me with no other choice
than to turn away
but you’ve forgotten something
you gave me a gift
the last piece of the puzzle that
my life has been missing
and i will live for my gift
even without holding it
in my hands

that day in the forest
was the last day i touched you
we stood next to each other
but we were strangers
you never looked at me
you didn’t stay long
not a goodbye
not a smile
and you’re gone

A Ghost and a Distant Past


i just saw
a face from the past
staring at me from behind a photo album
i recognize that face
i sure do
what i don’t recognize
is the one staring at me now
from behind the mirror in front of me
mirror, mirror on the wall
can you please tell me
who is this face staring at me now?
can a year make this much of a difference
really?
i’m seeing a ghost
haunted by the face from behind the photo album

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About a year ago (well, not quite, more like close to 11 months ago), I attended a high school reunion. A wonderful moment, leaving a very special and warm place in my heart forever. Anyway, I just recently saw a bunch of pictures from that reunion uploaded onto Facebook. There’s a piece of my heart that cringed inside when I saw my face in some of those pictures. My heart sank, and it resulted in this poem. I really don’t know what feelings are grounding inside me right now. Is it sad, happy, missing, loss, or grieving, but grieving for what I don’t know. I know I have changed a lot since that reunion time. I’ve felt bitterness, a great deal of loss from losing a high school friend from cancer, broken heart, and a true meaning of living alone, by myself. I’ve truly felt the harshness of life, but I also know that mine is nothing compared to what many are going through so I don’t dare to complain. The good news is that I’ve also discovered my faith and new friendship, but it doesn’t reduce the hardship of life I’m facing on my own. All I know now is that the girl in that photo album from the reunion is no longer the same person now. The face in those photos almost appears…how should I say this, distant? It was from a past that feels like ages ago.

Between the Lines


Some songs can inspire me at times to write a few lines of poetry. Here is one of those songs by Sara Bareilles.

 

we live in between the lines
going in and out of thoughts
let time decide the future
battling the demons inside

a new language to speak
a new dance step to rehearse
and the paper is bleeding out
our unspoken words

perhaps a new storm is coming
i can smell rain in the air
it is not the rain that i fear
but will a rainbow show itself later

i want to feel life
but i fear that life itself
has left me behind
with silence and unspoken words