It’s been a while since the last time I made an entry for this blog. My mind and energy have been used to focus on some personal and important issues. I call it a period of existential questioning. There is something sentimental about the end of a year that finally pulls me back to this blog. To be honest, I miss writing. I miss those times in the past when ideas bombarded my head, urging me to write. It’s like having a song in your head. Sometimes the only way to get rid of the song from your head is to just relent and sing the damn song. That’s how I used to feel about writing. I lost it for a while. I can’t say for sure it’s back, but only time can tell. I can only say that I am enjoying this very moment with my fingers clicking on the keyboard, making a familiar sound. Oh, I miss that sound.
Back to the reason why I want to write this post. What a year it has been for me. I actually managed to accomplish a lot this year, and also to screw up plenty too. Irony, huh? Success, failure, the line between the two can be blurry at times. I must say that I lost myself for quite some time this year. Hopefully I found it, if not in the process of finding it. I have enjoyed many memorable moments, discovered many wonderful new and old friends, and got to know things about myself that I failed to pay attention earlier in my life. I have also faced my demons this year. I personally referred to them as my “fears,” loneliness being one out of many. I don’t know how many times I have asked myself the following question this year, “what am I afraid of?” Yes, I have started to face my own fears. I tell you what, it has been a very humbling experience to be sitting on a couch. That’s the “couch”, mind you. Luckily I didn’t have to lay down. Freud and his disciples might not disagree with the fact that I wasn’t laying down, but who are nowadays anyway. Come on, Freud. Get over it. It’s the modern version now. Haven’t you seen TV shows or movies lately? If you still don’t understand what I’m talking about, well, you’re a lost cause. Sorry. Anyway, I’m rambling, which I have a tendency to do. Feel free to say “stop” anytime.
I also learn to “feel” this year. That statement may sound weird to you because who doesn’t feel, right? We all feel something all the time. No, I meant truly feeling all different sorts of feelings: sad, happy, confused, lonely, content, love, anger, hurt, worried, confused, defeated, hopeless, hopeful, and belonging to mention a few. Sometimes I felt as if I was going in a circle, going from one feeling to another, only to come back to the original feeling again. Confusing, isn’t it? The reason I make this point about “to feel” is because I think for the longest time, in the span of maybe 20 years, I tried my best not to feel. I was probably drifting through all those years, not because I wasn’t feeling anything, but because I was avoiding to feel them. I guess I did what I was supposed to do without stopping to ask why and to whom I did what I was supposed to.
So, when I said ‘what a year,’ I said it with an exclamation point. It has been a very meaningful year, damn it! I walked, I ran. I fell, I got up. I cried, I laughed. I learned, and am still in that process of learning many things about life. I also learn to be thankful. Painfully, I can be an idiot, selfish, irresponsible human being at times. I’m aware of that, too aware at times. I’m not perfect, I guess, but I’ve been trying to be one. And guess where did I find myself at the end with that striving? At the edge of a very high cliff. Hmm… how in the world did I end up there? A logical question to ask. Well, my dear readers, that’s why I’ve been trying to find out too. Bear with me, it’s still a journey. No worries, though, I am not about to jump over that cliff because I may be a lost cause myself to get to this point, but I still carry hope with me and would like to see what the rest of my life will look like if God agrees with my plan. So, I think I’ll just trace my way back again and see where I started to take the wrong path. My friends would know that I can get lost easily sometimes or do things absent-mindedly. Hence, the wrong path. Yup. Guilty.
Choices, choices, choices. When it comes down to it, I think the reason why I ended up at that cliff is because somewhere along the path, I failed to see that I had choices. I do have choices. I do have the right to be happy and that it’s okay to ask myself what would be best for me and make that choice, instead of being told what to do. If I make my own choices, then I will be the one who lives through the consequences and be responsible for making the decision. This way, I won’t have to blame “others” and go through a life of regrets.
I believe the worst thing that can happen to a person is when his/her right to make choices is taken away and be forced to live a certain life. I thought the turning point in my life many years ago when I came to this country was done by my own choice. At least, I said that to myself. See, we have to be caution here because choices sometimes can be disguised as duty. Mind you that this expression is not coming out from me now as another “blaming others” that I mentioned earlier because that is not the intention here, but it is worth mentioning. What I am trying to do now is just to move beyond the blaming stage and let go. Time to let go. God knows I’ve carried it way too long and it’s not taking me where I want to go.
Phew. Another thing, the hardest part in writing sometimes is to know when to stop. I’d like to end it here, but not before pointing out that I’ve had the title of my blog as Lost and Found since the first time I opened it, which was over a year ago. Perhaps, I already somewhat unconsciously (damn, back to Freud again) all this time that this has been the theme of my life? Who knows. Only 2011 and on can tell. Thank you, 2010. You’ve been wonderful. Nothing personal, but I do hope 2011 is easier. No regrets, though.