Sad Eyes


oh little child
with a pair of sad eyes
faint smile appeared lightly
a smile too small for that round face
alone in the dark night of lonely street
drifting like a driftwood
in a river of human malice
no pretending here
his parents might have failed him
the world might have forgotten him

but not to this place
he has identity here
no longer blown away
now standing tall and strong
a pair of skinny legs running
as fast as he could
chasing a ball with other legs
throwing his best kick ever
and scoring big!

oh little child,
grow,
bloom,
be not afraid,
explore life,
discover opportunities,
make a difference, my child
give the world
your biggest smile!

 

***I went to an orphanage for young boys yesterday. This poem was inspired by that visit. What a great and humbling experience; planning to go back there again on a regular basis.***

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A Wounded Soul, A Plea


when night fell
and darkness surrounded me
where is Your angel
when i need one now
enter this open wound
wash it with Your tears
heal it with Your light
Your sign is needed, my Lord

i thought loneliness was my enemy
but i was wrong
hope is
but even so
i keep opening myself
over and over
desperately wanting to feel alive
only to fall down
again and again

i should have known better
nobody else deserves my devotion
other than my Creator
it was You who made me
and in the end
it is to You i will go
and to You now i give
my soul to keep

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

” Lose your soul in God’s love…. I swear there is no other way.” ~Rumi.

Haiku on Page


life and death, never before i thought that i would be facing you both together, at the same time.

two close friends, as close to sisters as can be to me. one facing death, the other preparing to embrace a new life. one is dreadful and somber, the other eager and excited. what can be more polar opposite than those? and  i’m in the middle, watching them both, from far away.

i’m trying to feel what they’re feeling, but in the dark. i wish they’re within my touch, or that i can do something more than this…waiting, praying, hoping for the best for both. sometimes the helplessness is just too gripping. can’t say i know exactly what they’re feeling. i was never in their position. don’t know what it feels like fighting an illness so deadly, or expecting a little one. whatever it is they’re feeling, i pray that one of those feelings is peaceful.

both haiku pieces below are for each sister. be well, be strong, be faithful, my dearests. you are not alone.



-̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶

your body’s changing
the chapter refuse to end
dark pages ahead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a new role ahead
excitement’s holding your hand
as you turn the page

-̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶

Submitted to Haiku Heights, Prompt # 101: Page

I Light This Candle…


i know you are scared
who wouldn’t be
this life path set for you
you take it so damn well
chin up, never down
despite the beast
that’s eating you alive

you dance your way through
the hospital maze so gracefully
your smile lift up the spirit
of those following you
you are the leader, after all
and we….
we’re just following you

your existence inspires us
your spirit guides us
your fight moves us
pushes us
but we might have allowed denial
to lead us naively
for long enough

truthfully, the hardest part
is to accept the painful truth
that it is back
and it is likely to be
the one that will take you away from us
forever

i know the fight is still in you
i can see that flicker of light in your eyes
but i can also see
that the light is getting weaker

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ask from all of you, my dear readers, to leave a room in your prayers for a friend of mine who is not doing well, who is fighting for her dear life. I dedicated the haiku below for her.

i light this candle
for a soul so brave and strong
steady in a storm

my battle


Credit to argentoliquido @ DeviantArt, titled Warmth

i hear my demon knocking on my door
this morning

demon: knock knock

me: nope,
not taking solicitation today
go away

i hear my demon walking back and forth
in front of my door
anxious
wanting to come in

demon: happy monday

me: which part of no that you don’t understand?
you are not welcomed today
and not ever

i hear my demon sighing
rejected
no choice but
to walk away, for now

caution,
it’s never gone completely
its smell
still lingering
somewhere around here
lurking
waiting for the right moment
to sneak its way in
perhaps
no knocking next time
so,
i’ll keep my guard up for now
maybe put up a sign
for my dear neighbors
it reads,
“watch out, loneliness is looking for a victim today”

“Happy Blue Monday and I’m sending warmth to you. Here’s thinking of you.”

This post is part of:

An Unsent Letter


It’s hard to go anywhere today, May 8th, 2011, without being reminded of the one thing that I don’t have. Motherhood. It would have been no problem at all if I happen not to desire it. At first, I didn’t want to write this post, especially the main content of this post, but I read a very powerful and courageous blog post today, written by someone that I don’t even know. The author shared her story knowing that it is risky. It’s like sharing a part of your life that is so private, full of pain and struggle. The author’s message in sharing her story in that post, however, did not escape me. Her reason to speak out was in hoping that her story will touch others and inform those in similar situations that they are not alone. It is with that in mind, I decided to share this piece too. I’m not sure what it will accomplish. A part of me is feeling somewhat exposed and vulnerable, but another part of me is feeling strong.

I believe I have come a full circle in the matter of this content. It started years ago (in my 20s and early 30s) with me feeling no desire to have the role of motherhood, to feeling the desire in the past few years, and now I’m in the gentle process of letting it go knowing full well that my time has passed. It seems that it is not within my destiny to have my own flesh and blood, but it does not mean that life as it is ends there. I know my destiny and purpose in life remain somewhere else, with a different role, which I am currently in the process of pursuing. I am okay with this, with what I have and don’t have. I have come to accept it and move on. It’s just that on days like today, it feels a little bit heavy inside.

I am sharing this unsent letter below to my readers because I believe it is part of the process of letting go and moving on. I still mourn and wonder sometimes what it would be like if…, but that’s just it, it remains as a wondering, not a regret anymore. I’m not even sure if I still desire it anymore. I don’t think I do anymore, but it doesn’t mean that on certain days the wondering doesn’t sneak up on me and bring me grief as well. But my readers, if any of you share what I’m going through, this day will pass too. And you will move on, continue with life. Use that grief for something useful.

I wrote this letter below last year, when I started the process of dealing with it. Even after I wrote this letter, I still went through the ups of hoping that maybe I still could and then the downs of realizing I couldn’t. It was a confusing and stressful time, but I managed to pass through it too. I’ve kept this letter in my personal journal for a long time, read it once in a while, but kept it to myself. This is my first time sharing it to anyone. Please note that it is what it is. It’s a piece of writing, written when I was under a certain state of mind. Don’t ask me question about it now, please, because I don’t have any answer. I can only tell you that I am okay now. Let’s move on.

*****************************************************

Credit to Mollinda @ DeviantArt, titled Gone

♥  ♥  ♥

My dear unborn child,

Hi there, how are you?
You don’t know me,
and I wish you do.
We never met,
and I wish we have.
I also wish I could get to know you,
see your smile,
know your personality,
know what makes you laugh,
and what makes you sad or angry.

Can’t say I know how you fit
perfectly in my arms,
or the sound you make
when you’re hungry.
I mourn the time
we could have spent together.
I mourn the fact that
you couldn’t take your first breath
and that I’d be there next to you,
exhausted yet happy.

I regret never having the chance
to explain to you everything,
about why you’re not here.
It’s not something against you,
but it’s us.
It’s because of fear,
it’s because of selfishness,
it’s what the nature set for us,
and we took that path.

I hope you can forgive me,
forgive us.
I hope we can forgive ourselves,
and I hope I can forgive myself too.
I guess this is what life sets up
for all of us.

I know you will find your way
to this place we call life.
I’m just sorry I’m not part of it.
I wish you the best.
I hope life won’t be cruel to you
when it is time for you to join the earth.
Live, survive, my unborn child.
Forgive me.

******************************************************

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all of my readers who have been given a chance to carry this extremely important, difficult, challenging, and blessed role. Many blessings to you all from the bottom of my heart.

What a Year! Lost and Hopefully Found


It’s been a while since the last time I made an entry for this blog. My mind and energy have been used to focus on some personal and important issues. I call it a period of existential questioning. There is something sentimental about the end of a year that finally pulls me back to this blog. To be honest, I miss writing. I miss those times in the past when ideas bombarded my head, urging me to write. It’s like having a song in your head. Sometimes the only way to get rid of the song from your head is to just relent and sing the damn song. That’s how I used to feel about writing. I lost it for a while. I can’t say for sure it’s back, but only time can tell. I can only say that I am enjoying this very moment with my fingers clicking on the keyboard, making a familiar sound. Oh, I miss that sound.

Back to the reason why I want to write this post. What a year it has been for me. I actually managed to accomplish a lot this year, and also to screw up plenty too. Irony, huh? Success, failure, the line between the two can be blurry at times. I must say that I lost myself for quite some time this year. Hopefully I found it, if not in the process of finding it. I have enjoyed many memorable moments, discovered many wonderful new and old friends, and got to know things about myself that I failed to pay attention earlier in my life. I have also faced my demons this year. I personally referred to them as my “fears,” loneliness being one out of many. I don’t know how many times I have asked myself the following question this year, “what am I afraid of?” Yes, I have started to face my own fears. I tell you what, it has been a very humbling experience to be sitting on a couch. That’s the “couch”, mind you. Luckily I didn’t have to lay down. Freud and his disciples might not disagree with the fact that I wasn’t laying down, but who are nowadays anyway. Come on, Freud. Get over it. It’s the modern version now. Haven’t you seen TV shows or movies lately? If you still don’t understand what I’m talking about, well, you’re a lost cause. Sorry. Anyway, I’m rambling, which I have a tendency to do. Feel free to say “stop” anytime.

I also learn to “feel” this year. That statement may sound weird to you because who doesn’t feel, right? We all feel something all the time. No, I meant truly feeling all different sorts of feelings: sad, happy, confused, lonely, content, love, anger, hurt, worried, confused, defeated, hopeless, hopeful, and belonging to mention a few. Sometimes I felt as if I was going in a circle, going from one feeling to another, only to come back to the original feeling again. Confusing, isn’t it? The reason I make this point about “to feel” is because I think for the longest time, in the span of maybe 20 years, I tried my best not to feel. I was probably drifting through all those years, not because I wasn’t feeling anything, but because I was avoiding to feel them. I guess I did what I was supposed to do without stopping to ask why and to whom I did what I was supposed to.

So, when I said ‘what a year,’ I said it with an exclamation point. It has been a very meaningful year, damn it! I walked, I ran. I fell, I got up. I cried, I laughed. I learned, and am still in that process of learning many things about life. I also learn to be thankful. Painfully, I can be an idiot, selfish, irresponsible human being at times. I’m aware of that, too aware at times. I’m not perfect, I guess, but I’ve been trying to be one. And guess where did I find myself at the end with that striving? At the edge of a very high cliff. Hmm… how in the world did I end up there? A logical question to ask.   Well, my dear readers, that’s why I’ve been trying to find out too. Bear with me, it’s still a journey. No worries, though, I am not about to jump over that cliff because I may be a lost cause myself to get to this point, but I still carry hope with me and would like to see what the rest of my life will look like if God agrees with my plan. So, I think I’ll just trace my way back again and see where I started to take the wrong path. My friends would know that I can get lost easily sometimes or do things absent-mindedly. Hence, the wrong path. Yup. Guilty.

Choices, choices, choices. When it comes down to it, I think the reason why I ended up at that cliff is because somewhere along the path, I failed to see that I had choices. I do have choices. I do have the right to be happy and that it’s okay to ask myself what would be best for me and make that choice, instead of being told what to do. If I make my own choices, then I will be the one who lives through the consequences and be responsible for making the decision. This way, I won’t have to blame “others” and go through a life of regrets.

I believe the worst thing that can happen to a person is when his/her right to make choices is taken away and be forced to live a certain life. I thought the turning point in my life many years ago when I came to this country was done by my own choice. At least, I said that to myself. See, we have to be caution here because choices sometimes can be disguised as duty. Mind you that this expression is not coming out from me now as another “blaming others” that I mentioned earlier because that is not the intention here, but it is worth mentioning. What I am trying to do now is just to move beyond the blaming stage and let go. Time to let go. God knows I’ve carried it way too long and it’s not taking me where I want to go.

Phew. Another thing, the hardest part in writing sometimes is to know when to stop. I’d like to end it here, but not before pointing out that I’ve had the title of my blog as Lost and Found since the first time I opened it, which was over a year ago. Perhaps, I already somewhat unconsciously (damn, back to Freud again) all this time that this has been the theme of my life? Who knows. Only 2011 and on can tell. Thank you, 2010. You’ve been wonderful. Nothing personal, but I do hope 2011 is easier. No regrets, though.