An Ending of A Journey

My dear readers and followers of this blog, I have come to a painful conclusion and decided to stop writing for this blog. I will keep the blog open for the public and run the facebook website of this blog as a place to inspire and motivate others. I may share some of my old posts from this blog once in a while on the facebook website. You can find the link to the facebook website by clicking here: Lost and Found, A Continuous Journey

So this journey has ended here. A part of me feels saddened by this decision, but I think it is the right decision. It’s just the right time to do it considering everything that has been happening in my life lately. I am thinking about starting another journey somewhere else at another blog, but that part is still being planned. The new blog, if I finally have it running, will remain completely 100% anonymous, hidden, and no more identity. I need a place where I can pour my heart out without worrying about hurting others’ feelings because of my chosen words.

Pardon me, but I’d like to give some parting words, so I beg you not to yawn while reading the following:
Don’t let life beat you up too much. Don’t fall down too often the way I did. Forgive the past. Forgive the ones who hurt you. Forgive yourself. Be creative, be yourself, believe in yourself, believe that you are worth it and special. Have the courage to face the truth, because the truth will release you from your burden. Believe in God, believe in His work, give in to Him.

As for me, I just hope that I, myself, will always remember everything I have said above.

This is an ending not just for this blog’s journey, but for many other things in my life right now. With an ending of one journey, a closing of one door, there’s always a new journey starting, a new door opening. What is my new journey, I don’t know, but a part of me feels a little bit (just a tiny bit!) excited as well. Is that a sign of hope? Maybe. Am I hopeful for a new opportunity? Or a possibility of a missed opportunity from the past? Perhaps. As much as I believe wholly and strongly in God’s work, I also believe that we humans cannot solely rely on prayers, but that we still have the responsibility to make things happen, to have the courage to take action, to do something, to face our problems, to bring the truth to the surface.

Before I leave, I have one confession to the world, and then I can truly leave this behind without thinking that I miss out on an opportunity to say something. I hold one thing for sure in my heart: a true love for a special person. I have been holding this in for quite some time and it leaves me feeling guilty for also quite some time. Why guilty? It’s complicated. No matter what will happen in my future journeys, that one feeling will remain the same. I dare to call it true love because it is different this time. I don’t think I will ever love another person the same way again, nor have I ever loved someone that way before. I truly believe that God gives each of us just one opportunity in life to meet a person that we can have a true love, the one that can change us from just his mere presence in our life, and I’m very blessed to have the opportunity to feel this love even though it did not blossom the way I would have hoped for. It’s a beautiful feeling, but it’s also so intense that it has a dark side. It’s the one that you can go back to over and over again regardless of how many times you’ve fallen down and gotten hurt because of the same person. It can lead a person to a deep and dark hole on one day, but to a rainbow on another day. It’s maddening. But a person can’t remain like that forever. There will be time when you just have to stop hurting yourself. What I can only do in my capacity is to leave a special place in my heart for that true love, and that space will remain untouchable and uninterrupted forever, ’til it’s my time to leave this world. But I will not do more than that. A major change has to happen before I can step back onto that path again. It has been an exhausted journey, yet one that I am feeling thankful and blessed for the opportunity from God to get to know him. I wish him nothing other than all the best and wonderful things in his life. I realize that we’re all humans and we can only do so much within our capacities in our lives. I don’t ever want to change anyone nor force a person to make a decision that may end up only as a regret in the future. Life, as I learned, seems to always has its own way of rolling. It rolls when it wants, it goes to a direction without us realizing or wanting sometimes. So I’m letting life do its own part here and I will play along, doing my own part.

I wish all of you the best in your own journeys. Never give up on love. Find happiness and peace from inside you (apparently I still have some leftover parting words). Continue to write. Never let the fire of creativity and imagination go out.

Goodbye. Adios. Ciao. Sayonara. Adieu. Selamat tinggal.

Love,
O.T.

Numb

as far as these eyes can see
all grays
gray sky, gray horizon,
gray haze hanging around me
they won’t leave
oh, I don’t know
this confusion has no ending
round and round in circle

like the wind
your state of mind changes every day
don’t know where you stand
two sides to every coin
is it also two sides to your heart?
oh, I don’t know anymore
feel like sticking this head into a freezer
to numb the pain
might as well stick a knife into this chest
end the heart beat now
it’s already bleeding to death anyway

I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know anymore
when I feel like crying nowadays
there’s no more tears left
or emotion
what’s left is
numb

is numb an emotion?

one day
will I ever know your true heart?
or will I go to my grave
never knowing the difference
between real and fantasy?
oh, I don’t know anymore
as confusion engulfs me
everything moves from gray to dark
from numb to empty

It is IT!

i let it take me anywhere
everywhere, all over the place
to the places in this world that
i’ve never been or never will
and to a known place called the past
i let it stay alive in me
becoming whatever feeling
it wants me to be
joyful, excitement
sadness, loneliness, desperation
longing, hunger, exasperation

i let it disturb me
put me in tears
knock me upside down
churn my stomach until i get sick
or put me in a spell
moving my head and hands without me noticing
making me up on my feet
taking me on a dance around the room
allowing my fantasy to run wild
testing my limit to the core

yes, i can’t live without it
it needs people like me to adore it
to appreciate it
to love it
to raise it high to the sky
it’s my language
my expression
every drop of my blood screams for it
it’s my nourishment
my drug
my addiction

it’s in my everyday language
i speak it fluently
not a day passed without it
i hear it
i hear ’em all the time
haunted by them day and night
and nowhere else to turn
am slaved by it sometimes
no other way than
to surrender

no, I’m not talking about love
not even about Rumi’s magical poetry
or any other poems
it’s something deeper than that
i live in its notes
in its rhythm
in its instrument
in its sound
it’s where i go to hide
to dream
and to hope

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back into loneliness.
~ Maya Angelou~

*I hope you have guessed by now what IT is. Yes, it’s music. I wish I can share with you a list of my magical IT, but I’m afraid the list is too long. Once in a while I put them as part of my poetry writing because some songs have inspired me to write when the mind was completely blank. The best part about music, though, is to be awed by it, especially by new songs. There have been so many moments when I first heard a new song and it felt like the world around me stopped for a moment…until that song was over. Moment like that is what I call magical. It’s when they can make me speechless and take me on a journey far, far away. I’m positive you all have your magical IT too. Never stop listening to them, never stop being inspired by them.

Someday

 

Someday,
She will feel nothing
Feelings will evaporate, lifted away
No longer a burden on her shoulders

Someday,
She will care for no words
Words will lose its meaning
They no longer have the power to hurt

Someday,
She will shed tears no more
An empty well, dried out from its content
No longer capable of producing

Someday,
The stage will be empty
The audience will leave the room
It is then when she will start living
It is then when peace will come to her

Retreating

like a blanket of sea water awash on the shore
its hands reaching out to hold on to the sand
struggling, out of breath
as the minute passes
as the sun’s inching closer to the horizon
the wave is getting further inland
sweeping through rocks
frantically searching
like a lost soul looking for its body
it searches for one thing only

but it’s too late
nowhere can the object be found
the beach is empty
abandoned from its life for quite some time
so when the dawn comes
it bids goodbye to the dying land
and retreats back to where it came
a place cold, alone and secluded
yet harmless
deep in the ocean

Confusion

I’m trying something new, writing and publishing my poem using the wordpress app on my phone. Yup, you guess it right; no internet access for the poor laptop. I hope this will look okay once I publish it. Crossing my fingers!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not sure what to think or feel
A mind is filled with only unanswered questions
But dare not to ask, expecting silence as usual
Nope, not that place again it says
So the mind’s left with its own confusion
What a place to bargain for!
But wait
Wait what?
No, I mean the mind is waiting
I see, but for what?
Something it seems
Perhaps a piece of the puzzle
Or a time to think
Psst, it doesn’t want to make a wrong move again
Right, not that place again

It Has Many Faces

Image credit to tjiggotjurring @ DeviantArt, titled Hungry Face

 

have you seen it?
it has many faces
caused by many things
it’s everywhere

i’ve seen it on the face of a boy
forgotten by his parent
an unquenchable thirst for love
calls an orphanage his home

i’ve felt it from an adult man
left by his wife and son
robbed from his worldly sight
helplessness lives in his stories

i’ve seen it in a drug addict in recovery
picking up pieces of her life
looking for her neglected children
her inside eaten away by guilt

i’ve heard it within an old man’s voice
his tone was of anger and disappointment
always looking for someone to blame
goes home to an empty and bleak house

greed ruins a heart
regrets devours a hope
anger wastes away a soul
loneliness eats away a mind

one thing for sure
no longer measured by money
survival becomes the key
when one’s hit by it

beware
poverty has many faces

An Old Flame (Haiku)

Image credit to Ina Fahlsten @DeviantArt, titled Burning Tangle

old shadow, appears
so close, brushes my arm, soft
out these lips, your name

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

an old candle’s lit
its wick black, burnt and used, but
the smell hasn’t changed

Moonlight in the Dark

creature of darkness
when the shadow
finally leaves your side
don’t cry alone
let the silence keep you company
let the water be your witness
let the wind carry your anguish
out into the infinite night
the stars will catch it
and guide it to the moon
tell the moon your secret
for it knows no boundaries
it knows no ending
it knows only possibilities
let the moon carry your sorrow
behind that yellow glow
lays many dying hopes
lost souls
whenever you miss sorrow
stare far into the distance
amidst the veil of darkness
find that faceless glow

Satire

i’m okay
i’m doing fine
i can handle this
yes, i can
i know i can
i’m convinced i can
i think i can
i know i can continue
no problem whatsoever
am perfectly fine
have been fine
will be fine
continue to be
don’t mind me
i will be…that,
you know,
fine.

yup, i’m fine
i think…
thanks for asking
did i answer your question?
you did ask,
didn’t you?
oh my…
oops

fuck it
i’m still fine